Laws of...................

Originally published on Multiply October 29th 2006

1. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to

itch.



2. Anthony's Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



3. Kovac's Conundrum:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.



4. Cannon's Karmic Law:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat

tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.



5. O'brien's Variation Law:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster

than the one you are in now.



6. Bell's Theorem:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.



7. Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with

someone you don't want to be seen with.



8. Willoughby's Law:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



9. Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



10. Breda's Rule:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive

last.



11. Owen's Law:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you

to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



12. Howden's Law:

You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the

mailbox.



And the last and best :

13. Murphy's Law

What has to go wrong will go wrong

Sweet Memories.....a funny for you :)

Originally published on Multiply November 6th 2006

The House Behind The House

One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o'er the door.

'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go.



Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for every one. You left there feeling better, After your job was done.



You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.





Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. Twas then with much reluctance, To that little house you'd go.

With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear.



I recall the day Ol' Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer.

'Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made With rags and gasoline.

He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He'd eventually rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays  in my memory yet.

He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door.

He lit the pipe and sure enough, it soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below.




The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol' Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.

We asked him what had happened, What he said I'll  ne'er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he ate!

Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign that read: No Smoking, Please!



Now that's the story's end my friend, Of  memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, because we had to go.

For those who never had to trot out in the Cold.....

Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life WAY Too Seriously

This was originally published on Multiply on October 5th 2006 (all blog entries being moved here due to the closing of Multiply)  


    1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

    3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

    4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria.  They're the only culture some people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

    18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

    24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

    25. Light travels faster than sound.  That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life WAY Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

25. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Useful Work Tips

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'…
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'…
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'…
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'…
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you…
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'…
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'…
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'…
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'…
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted…
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do…
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back…
Everything can be filed under "pending."…
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing…
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't…
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done…
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried…
Following the rules will not get the job done…
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"…
No matter how much you do, you never do enough…
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…